In a world that most often prizes conformity, those of us who are neurodivergent face an overwhelming pressure to fit in—to appear as though we process and experience life the same way as those around us. This expectation to mask—hide or suppress the traits and behaviors that are core to who we are—comes with a toll that often goes unrecognized. The psychological, emotional, and even physical cost of masking your neurodivergence can be severe, adding even more challenges to ND life.
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My Experience with Adult Autism and ADHD Diagnosis
Masking your neurodivergence involves actively suppressing natural reactions, regulating emotions, and altering behavior to align with what’s deemed acceptable by societal standards. For many, it starts early—perhaps in childhood, when differences in communication styles or sensory sensitivities first draw unwanted attention. With time, masking becomes second nature, as a means of protection against judgement, bullying, or exclusion.
But masking is also exhausting. It demands constant vigilance and mental energy, leaving many of us feeling drained or detached from their true selves. The emotional strain of suppressing your authentic self in favor of a more palatable version can lead to profound mental health challenges. In my own experience, I struggle even now to figure out what’s authentically me! Anxiety, depression, and burnout are common among those who chronically mask their neurodivergence, yet the root cause is often misunderstood or overlooked.
The Science of Masking
Beyond mental health, the cost of masking your neurodivergence can have tangible impacts on the brain and body. Take chronic stress, for instance. When the brain constantly suppresses natural tendencies, whether that’s stimming behaviors, avoiding sensory overload, or adhering to unfamiliar social norms, it activates a heightened state of stress. Over time, this prolonged stress can lead to physical symptoms, such as headaches, fatigue, digestive issues, or even a weakened immune system.
This constant state of tension makes it harder to relax or recharge, leading to burnout—a condition marked by emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion. For many neurodivergent individuals, this burnout can take years to recover from, and in severe cases, can result from the need to retreat from work, social life, or even basic self-care
The Pressure to Mask
The expectation to mask doesn’t arise in a vacuum. Society, as a whole, upholds certain norms around how we should interact, communicate, and behave. These norms are rarely, if ever, designed with neurodivergent individuals in mind. As a result, people who think, feel, or express themselves differently are subtly—or not so subtly—coerced into adopting the behaviors of the majority.
These societal expectations place the burden of adaptation on the neurodivergent individual, not on society to embrace neurodiversity. The message is clear: if you want to be accepted, you need to change. This can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and an intense fear of being “found out.”
At its core, this societal demand for you to keep masking your neurodivergence is a form of ableism, forcing individuals to mold themselves to a narrow vision of what it means to be “normal.”
The Cost of Living Authentically
While some neurodivergent individuals may feel compelled to mask in certain situations for safety, others may choose to reject masking altogether. It’s important to acknowledge that unmasking can be a privilege, dependent on factors like environment, socioeconomic status, or community support. For many, living openly as their neurodivergent self can come with significant risk, especially in spaces where acceptance and understanding are lacking.
The fear of losing a job, being ostracized by peers, or facing outright hostility can lead to an impossible choice: experience the costs of masking your neurodivergence or unmask and face an array of external consequences.
For those who are able to unmask, the process can be liberating, albeit daunting. It allows for deeper self-acceptance and more authentic relationships. But even then, unmasking isn’t a one-size-fits-all solutions. Many neurodivergents move in and out of masking, depending on the environment or situation they find themselves in.
The Impact on Relationships
Masking your neurodivergence can also affect personal relationships in a profound way. In friendships, romantic partnerships, and family dynamics, masking often creates a barrier to true connection. When someone feels they need to constantly suppress who they are, it can prevent them from forming deeper bonds and can lead to feelings of emotional distance.
Partners or friends who are unaware of the cost of masking your neurodivergence will have a harder time recognizing how much effort is being put into appearing “normal.” This can lear to misunderstandings or unmet emotional needs, because the person masking may feel too exhausted to communicate openly or may struggle to maintain the social facade they’ve tried so hard to build. This makes it all the more important to foster relationships where you can be authentic and create deeper trust and understanding.
Intersectionality in Masking
The experience and costs of masking can be further complicated by intersectionality, where neurodivergence intersects with other aspects of identity, such as race, gender, or socioeconomic status. For instance, people of color may feel additional pressure to conform to societal expectations, both as a result of racial bias and due to the stereotypes of neurodivergence. Similarly, LGBTQIA+ individuals may experience this added stress, having to mask both their neurodivergence and aspects of their identity related to gender or sexuality.
The overlapping identity can magnify the costs of masking your neurodivergence. The emotional and psychological strain become more complex, and the risks of unmasking may be even greater. If you don’t face these added stressors, it’s all the more important to understand this point of view.
Alternative Coping Strategies
For those who feel unable to fully unmask due to their environment for maintaining mental and emotional health. While masking may feel unavoidable at times, self-care practices can help reduce the stress it creates. Techniques like mindfulness, journaling, and setting boundaries for when and where masking is necessary can alleviate some of the internal pressure.
Creating a sort of safe zone where we can be fully ourselves can provide a much-needed respite. This might be at home, in online communities, or in especially safe relationships. Even if it isn’t possible to unmask in all areas of life, finding pockets of authenticity can offer the freedom to recharge and reconnect with our true selves
A World Without Masking
Ultimately, the cost of masking your neurodivergence isn’t borne by the individual alone. This external—and often internalized—pressure is a symptom of a society that fails to accommodate and embrace those who are “different.”
To work to change this, we have to start with education and empathy. Understanding the varied experience of neurodivergents—and listening to those with personal, lived experience, especially—is crucial. Instead of pressuring people to conform, we need to advocate for environments where people feel safe enough to express themselves authentically, and figure out who they really are in the first place. Workplaces, schools, social spaces, and more can evolve to become inclusive places where we’re welcomed, understood, and respected without the need to hide who they truly are.
By creating spaces of acceptance and understanding, we can reduce the cost of masking your neurodivergence—and stop us from having to sacrifice mental health, authenticity, and sense of self.
