Good, mutually satisfying sex requires a bit of time and energy to get right. To have an emotionally, physically stimulating experience, you and your partner(s) are going to want to do what you can to shift yourselves into a sensual and sexual mindset — and this is where foreplay comes in.
Think of foreplay as the time you’re dedicating to shifting from your day-to-day you (the one picking dirty clothes off the floor, harassing kids about homework, and trying to balance Zoom meetings) and the you in the bedroom. Or, if you’re about sports metaphors, foreplay is your warm-up: a way to make sure you’re in peak condition before heading into the game. It’s a sweet liminal space that lets you full-body and mind turn yourself on for sex. So, yeah, foreplay matters — and also, it’s fun. Good foreplay can make you and your partner feel appreciated and excited and all the good feelings you want out of sex.
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And it’s not all about the physical side, either. You can actually define foreplay pretty broadly; it’s essentially “a series of emotional, relational, and sexual interactions that occur before ‘sex’ or penetration,” Tara Suwinyattichaiporn (aka Dr. Tara), PhD, a sex and relationship coach, sex expert on TikTok, and professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University Fullerton, tells SheKnows. That means foreplay can include what you say, how you show your feelings, how you treat your partner in general — in addition to all the physical aspects.
But with so many possibilities (and preferences), how can you perfect your foreplay technique? What if you feel silly and aren’t totally good at letting the pre-game play-out? SheKnows spoke with a few sex experts about their go-to advice for extremely good foreplay. Read on for their tips. (Editor’s note: while we at SheKnows recognize that not all people with vaginas identify as women and not all women have vaginas, for the purposes of this article, the experts we spoke to described these people as women.)
Treat foreplay like an appetizer: always order one
Too often, sexual partners forgo foreplay altogether and speed ahead to intercourse. And in doing so, they may be setting themselves up for failure. “The word ‘foreplay’ sounds like something subordinate, like an appetizer with intercourse as the main course,” Susan Block, PhD, a sex therapist and the author of The Ten Commandments of Pleasure, tells SheKnows. “When it comes to eating, lots of people like to skip the appetizer. That’s fine for food, but skipping foreplay is rarely a good idea for sex. The right foreplay can send you from 0 to 1,000 on the horniness scale.”
And don’t just phone it in, either. According to Dr. Tara, some of the biggest mistakes people make around foreplay are skipping it altogether or “not being 100 percent present and into it,” she says, “which is a total mood killer.” (And yes, your partner can tell!) Foreplay isn’t just something you have to get through to get to the “good part” — it is the good part! So enjoy it, keep your focus on your partner(s), and take your time.
Foreplay and sexual satisfaction go hand-in-hand, especially for women
It’s a fact: those of us with vaginas typically need foreplay to have good sex. That’s a really good reason not to cut corners with it! “Foreplay is really important for most women because we tend to take a longer time to get into the mood,” Block says. “Usually it’s women who complain that men want to skip to the main course of intercourse, but often we need more time to open up. Foreplay helps lubrication flow and makes intercourse all the more pleasurable.” According to Dr. Tara, people with vaginas typically need at least 15 minutes of foreplay to to feel prepared physically (not to mention mentally).
Sensuality is the secret to great foreplay
“Sensuality is key — holding hands; nearness of heads on shoulders; caressing hair, arms, back and so on,” Jeanette Raymond, PhD, a licensed couples therapist and the author of Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t!, tells SheKnows. “It builds up sexual tension and arousal.”
You should keep doing it during sex, not just before
“Stretching out the sensuality is very erotic: No rushing from caressing to intercourse,” Raymond advises. Instead, foreplay is something to be lingered over, says Raymond and other experts. After all, it’s often the longest part of the entire sexual encounter. “Foreplay is a bad name because it sounds like something you start doing and then stop doing,” Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a sex and relationship therapist and the author of 50 Great Myths About Human Sexuality, tells SheKnows. “It’s seduction, conversation, touching the body … it’s all that, and that should go on throughout lovemaking.”
Over time, she says, couples try to get more efficient with sex at the expense of satisfying foreplay. “Most people get lazy about it as a relationship progresses so that unfortunately there is a kind of efficiency that sets in: Let’s just get this orgasm accomplished,” explains Schwartz. “It’s so shortened that it takes a lot of pleasure away.”
Don’t ignore other parts of the body during foreplay
All too frequently, people tend to go right for the erogenous zones when they’re in bed. That’s nice and all, but there are other parts of the body that shouldn’t be overlooked during sex and touching them helps build up excitement. “The biggest mistake people make with women is to jump to the genitals right away and ignore the face, the neck, the earlobes, and just about anything else,” Schwartz says.
Raymond tells couples to “savor the whole body rather than just try to get arousal through kissing and then move to intercourse. The abruptness of it makes it feel like the foreplay was just a con!” She suggests learning where your partner’s erogenous zones are but then waiting a bit before doing anything with them. “Don’t shoot for them right away,” she says. “Allow the anticipation — like a tease.”
If you don’t know where to start, Dr. Tara encourages exploration. “You can start from massaging the scalp, then kiss the ears and the neck, play with her nipples, massage the pubic area, kiss the thighs, and the feet,” she says. “There is so much to explore!”
Talk about what you want to get the most out of it
Communication is the key to good foreplay, say the experts, both beforehand and during the act itself.
“Talk about what you want out of bed,” Schwartz suggests. “Don’t sit there and try to be polite in the moment. Have a sexy conversation with your partner about what you like … when you’re not under the stress of excitement or worried about criticism or anything like that.” And keep talking about it; one chat won’t do it. “It takes checking in over time,” she says. “Just because something was effective as foreplay last night doesn’t mean the same thing will work tonight.” It’s also important to give your partner feedback in the moment, says Block. “During foreplay, it’s good to make sounds and say, ‘This feels good,’” she says.
Learn what works for your body (and your partners’)
Everyone is different and gets turned on by different things, hence why all that communication is so important. That said, a couple of general tips can help you get off to a good start with a new partner, or bring things back to basics with someone familiar. For example, Dr. Tara recommends anyone who regularly hooks up with women get “really good” at stimulating the clitoris, either with your hand, tongue, or toy (or all of the above) — see what your partner likes! We can’t stress enough how important the clitoris is for overall sexual satisfaction, and your partner will thank you for all the attention.
Another tip for those in need: if your partner has a penis and experiences early ejaculation, try shifting focus away from the penis during foreplay, Dr. Tara says. If you’re both looking to delay their orgasm (and lengthen the whole sexual encounter), spend time on other parts of their body instead.
Feel free to experiment
Don’t be afraid to try new techniques, play around with positions, or introduce toys during foreplay. This is a time for exploration, and Dr. Tara says being creative is one way to keep things hot (while making sure you’re both down for all the new things, of course). Need some inspiration? Here are a few things to try:
Nipple play. According to Dr. Tara, “most people are equipped to have a nipple orgasm” — who knew? This area can go under-appreciated during foreplay, so try exploring the areolae and nipples longer than usual. “You can lick it, suck it, nibble on it, and even use props like nipple clamps, ice, or put whipped cream on it,” she says.
Spend some time with a clitoral stimulator. Dr. Tara recommends clitoral vibrators during foreplay, which she says “will make sex even more pleasurable.” Your clitoris is ultra sensitive — probably even more than you know — and if you’re struggling to get into the swing of things, focusing on this area can help.
Do a naked couples’ sexual meditation. One of Dr. Tara’s favorite foreplay activities, a couples’ sexual meditation (with or without clothes!) can help you “get in tune with your body,” she explains. “[It] relaxes and arouses you at the same time.” You can even try a free meditation guided by Dr. Tara herself if you’re not sure where to start.
Foreplay isn’t always what you’d expect
Even though most of us just focus on the “fooling around” part of foreplay, other things that can serve as great foreplay too, whether it’s massage, dirty dancing, wearing a sexy outfit, doing a little striptease, or just holding hands. “Flirting is a form of foreplay,” says Block. “And women universally enjoy massage. Receiving a shoulder massage might be just the foreplay we need to relax into sex.” Of course, other more obvious forms are almost always turn-ons for women too — especially oral sex, Block says. But don’t forget about all those enticing little tidbits that can put you in the mood too.
Bottom line: Foreplay is just as important as sex itself, if not more so, especially for women. So treat it that way!
“Most women need a lot of foreplay because we tend to be double-taskers and are doing a lot of things, so getting into the mood for sex isn’t as easy for us,” Block says. “When we’re thinking about the kids and the laundry, it’s good to have foreplay get us slowly and gradually into the mood.”
A version of this story was published May 2015.
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