I was born in 1956 and grew up in the 60s and 70s when social change was exploding. Unlike women of prior generations, I was part of a group that believed we could do anything we set our minds to. With the sexual revolution and the availability of contraceptives, pregnancy and motherhood were not a foregone conclusion. Many of us were not in a rush to get married or have children, and we elected to stay in school longer and pursue careers we genuinely wanted. I waited until I finished my Ph.D. and was fully licensed as a psychologist to start my family — although other women of my generation decided to have children, raise a family, and then return to school. While some of my friends delayed having children like me, several of my friends started their families in their early 20s and returned to graduate school in their 40s and 50s when their children were older and more independent. One even got her Ph.D. in her 60s at the same time as her son!
“Unlike women of prior generations, I was part of a group that believed we could do anything we set our minds to.”
Whether we started having children earlier or later, my female friends and peers believed we could combine family and career seamlessly. While I thought this would get easier for subsequent generations, it hasn’t. Many of my clients in their 30s and 40s talk about their internal conflict over being moms and working. They want the best for their children, and they want to succeed in their careers. They feel crushed by the mental load of keeping family and professional life running smoothly. Convincing them to practice self-care and put their health and wellbeing on their to-do list (even if it’s last) is challenging — but many learn that we can’t fully care for others when our emotional pitcher is dry. In counseling, I teach them that self-care is self-preserving, not selfish, and try to illustrate ways to keep their emotional pitcher full.
To this day, I remember the ad for Enjoli perfume where a professionally dressed woman is in the kitchen fixing dinner in an apron. The tagline was, “She can bring home the bacon. Fry it up in the pan, and never let him forget he’s a man. ‘Cause she’s a woman. Enjoli.” For me and my friends, this was our theme song, and we thought it was attainable. However, the majority of us discovered that the goal of combining career and family was much tougher than we thought and felt torn between the two. Although the women I knew had opportunities that were unavailable to women in prior generations, women of color and those from economically and socially disadvantaged groups still did not have them in my own generation.
Instead of our opportunities liberating us from becoming June Cleavers, we experienced a crushing guilt over falling short at home and in our work. Constantly dividing our energy, attention, and time between the two, one or the other got neglected. In her book “Be Brave Lose the Beige: Finding Sass in Your Sixties,” Liz Kitchens says, “Our DNA was hardwired for both social change and caregiving…” with not enough hours in the day to do both well.
“Instead of our opportunities liberating us from becoming June Cleavers, we experienced a crushing guilt over falling short at home and in our work.”
Ultimately, each of us had to decide what the balance between personal and professional life would look like while discovering it was not possible to fulfill the dream of “having it all” in spite of what we were led to believe. In today’s world, this is even more stressful because most can’t afford the personal time or financial resources to lead their life in a balanced way.
Many of my younger female-identifying clients report ongoing distress about how they are falling short in their personal and work lives as well as guilt over not having adequate time or energy for doing well in any area of their lives. When I ask them how they’re practicing self-care and living mindfully with awareness and presence, they laugh and say, “Who has time for that?” For this generation, there is a big question about how to sustain this lifestyle as they age. And while us Boomers might not have everything figured out, we are once again leading the charge in modeling a new way to age.
How are Baby Boom women redefining aging?
In her book, Kitchens discusses how women boomers or “lady boomers” are the first generation to “have the luxury to ponder meaning and purpose,” because we have the longevity and the prosperity to do so. Again, it is important to remember that not all Baby Boom women have this advantage and are still struggling to meet their daily needs. This makes it even more essential that for those of us who find ourselves in a fortunate position in our “golden years” to put attention and effort into “tikkun olam” or what those of us who are Jewish call “healing the world.”
“Kitchens discusses how women boomers or ‘lady boomers’ are the first generation to “have the luxury to ponder meaning and purpose,” because we have the longevity and the prosperity to do so.”
Like many Baby Boom women who thought they could have it all, Kitchens experienced her personal and professional life colliding when she turned 56. Although she co-owned a successful market research company, her children’s lives were imploding. Her daughter was lost in a problematic relationship and her son got kicked out of George Washington University for multiple bad choices. She said, “I felt that I’d let them down as a mom by having a full-time career, which led to a lot of guilt so I started a blog to talk about what I was going through. Writing was my survival technique. I don’t know what I think until I write it down, and once I did, it started to make sense.”
“Women our age are still actively parenting. Many of us have what we’re calling ‘boomerang children’ who have moved back home or are struggling to become self-reliant adults. In the first half of life, we focus on ego, cultural success, and listening to authority figures. We are mired in survival efforts, raising our families, and pursuing our careers. But the second half of life is an opportunity to think bigger about choices and options. It taught me bravery, the magic of creating and the impact and power of creativity. It’s been good for my brain, stretching my thinking and better, more creative problem solving.”
“The second half of life is an opportunity to think bigger about choices and options. It taught me bravery, the magic of creating and the impact and power of creativity.”
— Liz Kitchens, author
Kitchens, a self-professed color fanatic, encourages “lady boomers” to step outside the comfort of leading a conventional or beige-colored life and choose a “magenta” or more colorful and creative existence. She comments that Baby Boomers are primed for this. “We are used to challenging the status quo like we did in our teens and twenties. We were the generation of social change and flower power. We need to figure out what matters most to us now and how to change the world for the better. Reinventing what aging means is just our next step.”
Still, redefining what we are going to do next and how we want to pursue our purpose, passion, and quality of life as older women is not easy. We lack role models of women who may have walked this path before us. Family needs, including adult children, grandchildren, and aging parents often compete with personal needs for quality time and life satisfaction. In addition, we may be having our own health issues, questioning our identity (who am I now without the moorings of career and family I had earlier in life), experiencing financial uncertainty, and losing family and friends who were part of the foundation of our health and wellbeing. Finding our way through this next phase of life is a crisis and opportunity — and often both at the same time.
New ways that the Baby Boom generation is aging:
In spite of the challenges of combining career and family, Baby Boom women are again leading the charge to change what aging looks like. Unlike generations of women before us, we are not willing to accept being invisible and past our prime.
“Baby Boom women are again leading the charge to change what aging looks like.”
Erik Erikson, a well-known developmental psychologist, called the developmental challenge of aging deciding between stagnation and generativity, whether you decide to retire from life and wither or remain active and engaged. Baby Boom men and women are increasingly choosing generativity and redefining aging as a period of activity, growth, and fulfillment.
Here are some of the ways they are approaching aging with renewed energy, interest, and commitment.
1. Active Aging
Baby boomers have cultivated health-promoting habits throughout their lives with routine exercise, sound nutrition, and sleep hygiene. According to the CDC, more than 50% of them engage in regular exercise, participating in running, cycling, and hiking. They make up one-third of the fitness industry’s clientele. They are driving the pickleball craze in the U.S. with enthusiasm and zest.
2. Mental Health
Boomer women believe that mental health is an integral part of physical health. They think that their brain including their thoughts and mood, influences feeling good physically, mentally, and emotionally. They engage in therapy more than men their age and are more likely to seek mental health aid for stressful life changes. They are learning that periods of hormonal flux like postpartum and menopause may increase their vulnerability to anxiety, depression, and other health conditions and to seek treatment when needed.
3. Return to Work
Baby boomers are working longer in full or part-time positions and often pursuing second careers once they retire from their first ones that add meaning and purpose to their lives. In 2020, the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that 40% of people aged 55 and older were working or actively looking for work. Recently, the phase “unretirement” has been added to describe this new phenomenon.
4. Social Life
Baby boomers are making an effort to maintain an active social life longer. They are making intentional decisions about where they choose to live during their 55+ years and seeking communities where they can be physically, mentally, and socially active. Developers are rapidly building 55+ communities across the U.S. to meet boomer demand for places they can reside with older adults who also want to stay active and fit.
5. Lifelong Learning
Boomers want to keep learning regardless of age. Dr. Stephen Chung of California State in Northridge reported that they are returning to school in significant numbers to pursue degrees, certifications, or take classroom enrichment. He found that they “value lifelong learning and want to stay mentally sharp.” Chung also reported that they were tech savvy with 64% using social media and 70% being active internet users.
6. Age Perception
Baby boomers tend to feel younger than their actual age. A 2009 Pew Research survey found that the typical boomer feels 9 years younger than their actual chronological age. Those who have a positive attitude towards aging often tend to age more slowly. However, aging is not the same for everyone. Factors like SES, healthcare status, and lifestyle can significantly influence vitality and health.
7. Promoting Social Change
Comparing boomer attitudes about aging to the prior generation, Chung concluded that “Baby boomers have been associated with significant social changes and activism throughout their lives. Now as they age, many are continuing to challenge societal norms and engage in activities showing that age is not a barrier to making a difference in the world.”
Their contributions range from teaching grade school children to read to volunteering at their local food pantry to mentoring younger professional women to writing books promoting a different attitude towards aging. Their individual purpose and passions are contributing to their collective goal of making the world a better place and leading their best lives.
How to redefine aging for yourself:
Here are some steps you can take to redefine aging for yourself. These are only suggestions. Each woman’s journey is influenced by her own unique set of choices and challenges. Use what fits you best, but be open-minded to ideas you haven’t tried. Experiment to see what works. Be patient with yourself. Aging well is a marathon, not a sprint!
1. Practice active aging
Staying healthy and fit won’t just help you live longer, it will help you live better. Try to cultivate health-promoting habits, including balanced nutrition, routine exercise, and sleep hygiene. Aim to make healthy food choices 80% of the time, practice portion control, and eat mindfully, one bite at a time. Move your body regularly through hiking, walking, biking, running, yoga, Pilates, dancing, gardening, pickleball, or other sports. Have a regular sleep schedule, unwind before bed, and give yourself time to wake up fully before going about your day.
2. Prioritize your mental health
Practice stress reduction by taking deep breaths, thinking of a pleasant experience, taking a walk, savoring a cup of tea, or escaping into a good book. Watch a funny movie, play with your pet or grandchild, spend time in nature or talk with a friend. When stress, depression, or anxiety symptoms concern you or people tell you they’re concerned about your mental wellness, seek professional advice and treatment if needed.
3. Maintain your social life
This means staying connected to friends, family, and/or broadening your social circle due to losing loved ones. Kitchens said that while women are good at connection, this may be tougher as they age. “It’s so important for us to support one another so we know that we’re not alone in our feelings and fears. We’ve done a lot by being alive this long and we need to share this wisdom with the next generation too!”
4. Be positive
As I mentioned earlier, Baby Boomers who have a more positive attitude toward aging often age more slowly physically and mentally. Kitchens commented, “It’s ridiculous how much we’ve lived through.” Even with so many losses and changes, we’ve learned to keep going by controlling what we can and letting go of what we can’t.
5. Exercise your creativity
“The meaning of life is to live in the present,” Kitchens remarked. “When we exercise our creative muscle, it strengthens our thinking about our life and a future in a healthier, more open way. It gives us hope, meaning, and something to look forward to. It lowers stress hormones including cortisol which has a big impact on our health.” So, find a way to express yourself that suits you and go for it.
6. Stay in the moment
The more we experience life in the present moment, the calmer and more peaceful we feel despite ongoing stressors associated with aging, including losing friends and family and our own physical health failing. If we are frequently worried about the future or regrets of the past, moments where we could feel good will slip by without us noticing them. Disconnect from the noise in your head and get back into your life. To help with this, I’ve recorded some guided mindfulness exercises for women of all ages.
7. Make the world a better place
I have lived on this planet for almost 68 years and been a practicing psychologist for 35. During that time, I’ve learned that the way we make the world a better place is one person at a time. It’s not necessarily the big things we do as much as everyday kindness, respect, and thoughtfulness for our loved ones, neighbor,s and communities. Even as we age, the opportunity for becoming the best version of ourselves always exists if we are brave enough to answer the call.
When I was in my 50s, I found a wonderful teacher, Dr. Jean Shinoda-Bolen, a Jungian analyst whose book I read, “Goddesses in Older Women.” Since my mid-40s, I’d been going to Diana’s Grove, a retreat center outside of St. Louis (where I live) that focused on professional development and personal growth by studying female archetypes from Greek and Roman mythology. After reading Jean’s book, I decided to attend a workshop she was giving called “A River Runs Through It” about the ebb and flow of women’s lives. There, I was introduced to two of her other books, “Crones Don’t Whine” and “Artemis: An Indomitable Spirit in Every Woman” which I highly recommend for support, comfort, and reassurance about aging and other life transitions we feel challenged by. They continue to inspire and motivate me to have courage and humor as I traverse the river of growing older.
“Like earlier phases of life, there is no one-size-fits-all path to follow to redefine aging for yourself.”
Like earlier phases of life, there is no one-size-fits-all path to follow to redefine aging for yourself. My friend Susie always says, “Look for the puzzle pieces that complete your life,” which will be similar but different from your friends because you are a unique and special person.
While finding your puzzle pieces and assembling them, enjoy and savor your life. Pursue purpose and passion, and preserve quality. Spend time with family and friends. Explore existing and new interests and adventures. Approach life with humor, courage, and compassion for yourself and others. Baby Boom women, we were trailblazers in our 20s — now it’s time we do it again!
Dr. Diane Sanford is a women’s health psychologist specializing in empowering women through every stage of life. For 35+ years she has prescribed self-care and mindfulness to guide her clients towards inner peace and self-awareness. To achieve clarity and balance in her own life, her self-care and mindfulness practices include yoga, meditation, walks in nature, reading, cooking, spending time with loved ones and playing with her 20-month old grandson, Cameron. You can visit her at drdianesanford.com.
