I can’t count the number of times I was screamed at, challenged, and threatened with lawsuits. No, I wasn’t engaging in heated debates online or blasting about controversial topics (though there were many to choose from). I was a barista in a local coffee shop throughout the COVID-19 pandemic.
“I was a barista in a local coffee shop throughout the COVID-19 pandemic.”
Per county regulations, the staff and I were obligated to request all guests wear masks in the cafe, and that didn’t sit well with a chunk of our clientele. They let us know — loudly.
For us baristas, becoming the mask police was never in our job descriptions. We were there to pour lattes and fetch croissants. Yet we somehow had the unlucky responsibility of managing the community’s political frustrations, receiving long-winded lectures about how the pandemic was being overblown and mishandled and how we were fools for taking it so seriously.
Part of me understood why people were upset. It was a confusing and terrifying time to be alive for all of us. All certainty was suddenly at risk with our health, jobs, and loved ones vulnerable to the power of an invisible virus we struggled to contain. In that chaos, anger was a much easier emotion to express than the helplessness we were all collectively experiencing.
The stress boiled over, often spilling onto us service workers.
While it’s never okay to lash out at anyone, let alone a stranger just trying to do their job, I can now recognize the undercurrent of emotions driving this behavior. We were all clicking into our own versions of survival mode, desperate for someone to stop, listen, and acknowledge our discomfort. And the more we felt dismissed, the more reactive we got.
“We were all clicking into our own versions of survival mode, desperate for someone to stop, listen, and acknowledge our discomfort.”
It doesn’t justify the behavior but it gives it context. Feeling unheard, especially when we’re hurting, fearful, and powerless, is a universally painful experience — one I now wonder if I could’ve helped remedy back then.
If I’d stopped and listened when a guest was melting down, would those moments have played out differently? If I had made an effort to make them feel heard, would they have done the same for me in return? Could listening to understand — not listening to defend, persuade, or refute — have created a moment of connection instead of conflict?
“If I’d stopped and listened when a guest was melting down, would those moments have played out differently?”
The world was loud then and it’s loud now, and hearing each other above the noise is only getting more difficult. What would it mean to you if someone stopped, gave you their full attention, and made you feel listened to, seen, and understood?
The art of listening, or as Ted Klontz coined it “exquisite listening,” is more than hearing the words that come out of someone’s mouth. It’s a gift of attention given from human to human. It’s hunting for the deeper meaning in someone’s words, reading between the lines for the humanity hidden inside.
The art of listening has the potential to fundamentally shift the tides of divisiveness in our culture today. How would our world transform if we committed to seeing the humanity in one another before the political party, the label, or the stereotype? Could listening lead us back to one another?
Exquisite listening is a learnable and applicable skill that has the power to impact every relationship we have. Across political aisles, across beliefs, across differences, here’s how to start listening.
Be the first to offer safety
Exquisite listening is more than the active listening skills we’re familiar with — not interrupting, making solid eye contact, throwing in a few nods here and there. These tips are excellent starts, but exquisite listening goes profoundly deeper.
Exquisite listening requires we create a space where our partner in conversation feels safe to share without repercussion. In replacing judgment with curiosity, we make room for someone to “empty the bucket” as Deeyah Khan says.
“Exquisite listening requires we create a space where our partner in conversation feels safe to share without repercussion.”
Anthropologist Simon Sinek agrees, pointing out that “[e]ven if we find what [someone is] saying just reprehensible…you’ll never be able to have dialogue until at least one of the parties gets the opportunity to say everything without judgment.” But instead what we typically do is “we defend, or we litigate, or we interrupt, or we point out flaws in logic.”
Each jab communicates to the other person, I’m not actually interested in what led you to this belief. I’ve already made up my mind about what you think and feel.
Exquisite listening asks us to put aside our need to invalidate someone’s narrative to protect our own. Instead, exquisite listeners understand that the most powerful avenue to change begins with connection, and there can be no connection without respect and safety.
“Exquisite listeners understand that the most powerful avenue to change begins with connection, and there can be no connection without respect and safety.”
“It’s what we all crave,” writes journalist Kate Murphy in her book “You’re Not Listening,” “to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intentions that are unique and valuable and deserving of attention…Listening is not about teaching, shaping, critiquing, appraising, or showing how it should be done…Listening is about the experience of being experienced.”
After gifting someone the unhurried, unpressured time to empty their bucket, the hope is that you’d then have the opportunity to share your point of view as well, receiving the same validation in return. Being the first to offer this gift of attention and nonjudgment has the power to create what negotiation expert William Ury describes as a “chain reaction in which each person who is genuinely listened to feels naturally inspired to listen to the next.”
To encourage your partner to empty their bucket, try prompting them with nudges like:
Tell me more.
What else?
How come?
Say more about that.
Help me understand…
Is there more to that for you?
Imagine being the recipient of someone’s genuine curiosity (especially if you know they disagree with you) as they make space for you to empty your bucket, spurring you on to share more with no underlying motive to change your mind, but rather, to understand it. How would that make you feel? What kind of dialogue is possible if our conversations start here?
The goal is connection, not conversion
Exquisite listeners know it’s impossible to change a mind they’ve never taken the time to understand. In committing to creating safety and leaning into curiosity, we must set aside any agenda to “get someone to see the light” when engaging with those we disagree with.
“Exquisite listeners know it’s impossible to change a mind they’ve never taken the time to understand.”
The goal must be first and foremost to make the other person feel heard exactly as they are.
Professor of organizational psychology Adam Grant writes, “The best way to open someone’s mind is not to argue with them. It’s to listen to them. When people feel understood, they become less defensive and more reflective, and develop less extreme, more nuanced views. Productive disagreements begin with curiosity, not persuasion.”
This is all well and good, but when the point of contention revolves around fundamentally personal issues that affect our lives in direct and lasting ways, it can feel impossible to not attack or shut down in the face of someone’s opposition.
“When the point of contention revolves around fundamentally personal issues that affect our lives in direct and lasting ways, it can feel impossible to not attack or shut down in the face of someone’s opposition.”
This is where exquisite listening becomes an extreme sport of compassion — one that can have a monumental impact.
One of the most moving examples of the profound power of listening is found in the documentary, “White Right: Meeting the Enemy” by Deeyah Khan. (This documentary contains extremely difficult content, language, and situations. Please watch mindfully.)
In a 2016 BBC interview, activist and filmmaker Deeyah Khan advocated for multicultural societies saying, “We’re together going to have to find out — what does it mean to build a society that includes all of us?” This interview put her on the radar of white supremacists, igniting a wildfire of hate emails and threats that had police cautioning Khan to take measures to protect her physical safety. It seemed that Khan had a choice — fire back or stand down.
She did neither. Instead, she reached out.
In an act of outrageous bravery, Khan set out to “go beyond the headlines to the human being” to understand what was driving white supremacists to uphold the unspeakable hatred they proclaim and promote. Throughout the film, we see her accompanying white supremacist groups to rallies, sitting down with leaders in their homes, asking questions, and holding space for them to “empty the bucket.”
“Khan set out to ‘go beyond the headlines to the human being’ to understand what was driving white supremacists to uphold the unspeakable hatred they proclaim and promote.”
Once emptied, Khan shared the hate emails she received with them and asked what they thought. Shockingly, you see the men soften towards her, visibly disturbed by the words read out loud and many of them saying something along the lines of, “I consider you a friend at this point so that’s difficult to hear.”
As a Muslim woman, child of immigrants, and left-leaning activist, Khan represented and embodied everything these white supremacists despise. However, after time spent feeling genuinely listened to by her, these men suddenly couldn’t reconcile the flesh and blood human in front of them with the politically fueled rhetoric they’d previously taken up.
Over time, subjects interviewed in Khan’s film begin to step away from their involvement in these extremist groups, sharing that they were affected by her experience. An interviewee from one of the largest Neo-Nazi organizations in the US shared in the film, “It really did bother me on a human level to hear some of the comments made to you, and this did play into my decision to go ahead and retire from operations.”
Khan asked why he would abandon some of his previous convictions. His response? “Because we’ve become friends.”
“It’s a radical choice to see someone as a fellow human first and grant them dignity as such.”
Exquisite listening is not about reaching an agreement. Listening to someone is not condoning what you hear them say, either. It’s a radical choice to see someone as a fellow human first and grant them dignity as such.
Identical opinions, therefore, cannot be the end game of our dialogue. “To listen does not mean, or even imply, that you agree with someone,” notes author Kate Murphy, “It simply means you accept the legitimacy of the other person’s point of view and that you might have something to learn from it. It also means that you embrace the possibility that there might be multiple truths and understanding them all might lead to a larger truth.”
“Identical opinions, therefore, cannot be the end game of our dialogue. “
When we surrender the need to convert someone to our way of thinking and remove conformity as the goal, we inherently validate the complex web of experiences that led our partner to believe what they do. There’s no tug-of-war of who will crack first, who’s more correct, or who will “win the debate.”
It’s about seeking to understand the driving forces of each other’s stories — the forces we cannot see that run beneath the surface — and allowing that part to be heard.
Perhaps in committing to listening more intently and seeking to understand the invisible narratives that shape the ideas we disagree with, we might discover that, at the end of the day, we’re all compelled by the same things — survival, connection, purpose — and how we reach for those things is different for all of us.
How to spark a conversation
Navigating these conversations isn’t easy, but keeping a few open-ended questions in your back pocket can help. Consider the following to spark deeper dialogue, establish safety, and urge others to empty their bucket:
Could you help me understand your stance on X?
I’m trying to get a full, 360 view on Y. How do you see it?
When did you start believing Z? What was happening in your life at the time?
You mentioned feeling X about this issue. Where do you think that stems from?
What’s the most important thing about Y in your opinion?
Talk a little bit more about Z, if you don’t mind.
Expand that idea for me.
So at the end of the day, what does that mean for you?
Can you remember when this belief clicked for you? Why then?
Using open-ended questions like these to express your curiosity can help as you seek the deeper meaning behind your partner’s responses, giving them space to unload and unravel.
“In a time when it feels like we’ve never been more divided, exquisite listening could be the bridge that connects us back to one another.”
In a time when it feels like we’ve never been more divided, exquisite listening could be the bridge that connects us back to one another. With each conversation, we have the chance to offer one of the greatest gifts someone can receive — the gift of being heard.
How has someone made you feel listened to in the past? When you see someone making a genuine effort to understand where you’re coming from, how has that affected you? If we as a society started to value, teach, and engage in exquisite listening, how do you think our world would change? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Cheyanne Solis is a copywriter relieving entrepreneurs to rest and invest more in what they love. She writes on practical wellness and mindful productivity from the perspective of sustainable work-life balance. Explore her work and connect here.
